Today marks a very special day.

1st October is my sobriety anniversary, and today marks 20 years clean and sober.

What started as a search for a new way of living from a truly dark, hopeless and baffled place, has blossomed into the most incredible life. Getting and staying clean and sober has provided the ultimate foundation. Everything I do on a day-to-day basis, whether that’s being a good mother, having food in the fridge, running my business and changing lives, having clean hair or taking the dog for a walk, happens because I deal with life without changing the way I feel or numbing out with drugs and alcohol.

How my life looks now is the collective sum of 20 years of sober decisions, behaviour and responses to life. 

Here are 10 new ways of doing things that I’ve taken on board that have made a massive difference:  

1. Ask for help. You do not, nor should you, have to do life alone. Everything gets figured out and sorted out much more quickly when you have others to help, especially when they have trodden the path already and can share specific experience. Swallow your pride, let go of the idea that asking for help is a weakness or ignorance, and allow others to support you. (Hyper independence is sometimes a trauma response.) Without this concept, I would have stayed stuck in my business and personal life so many times! Invest in help in the form of mentoring, therapy, coaching or support when the best person for your situation is a professional. 

2. Feel your feelings, process them and honour them. Every time you sweep something under the carpet, stuff it down or pretend it’s not there, you stop yourself from being free. Unprocessed emotions have the power to impact you long after they need to, causing disproportionate reactions, regrets and disempowerment. Feeling your feelings and honouring the wisdom within them, even when they are painful or unpleasant, is a great gift to yourself. 

3. And no matter what you’re feeling, don’t hurt yourself or anyone else off the back of them. This will only result in more unpleasant feelings…

4. Keep evolving. Keep learning. Keep healing. Keep reading. Stay open minded. The older I get the more I become aware of what I don’t know, and rather than finding it disheartening, it has become a way to find magic, excitement and possibility. Part of this is forgiving yourself for not being perfect, and ties in with asking for help. 

5. Reality > potential. We do not have the power to change others if they don’t see the need or want to change. It is liberating to let other people be themselves, accept that this is who they are, and then decide whether we want them in our lives or not and in what capacity. Assume someone will never change, and ask yourself on that basis if they are someone you really want in your life. Never is this more pertinent than in the world of dating! 

6. Get out of your echo chamber. Spend time with different people from different backgrounds, of different ages and with different interests. Seek to understand, not to be understood. 

7. Actions speak louder than words. Whether that’s how I built and now grow my self-worth by showing myself in hundreds of different ways that I love and respect myself (and so can you), or whether that’s figuring out if you can trust someone, this is a show don’t tell situation. When someone shows you who they are, believe them and don’t ignore the signs. 

8. Align with the divine. Spirituality brings meaning, connection, purpose and direction. Develop rituals and practises that keep you grounded and aligned. For me spirituality is about seeing the beauty in the world, connecting with a guiding force of universal love, and focusing on being of service to others and the world. ‘What is for the greater good?’ is an excellent guiding principle. 

9. Listen to your body. Notice what messages your body is giving you, and honour them. Pay attention to physical signs as well as your intuition. Our bodily wisdom is often woefully underrated or underused. 

10. Have fun, and deliberately create joyful moments. Be silly, be playful, be with people who you adore. Let go of worrying what others will think, because this will be a huge barrier to fun and happiness.

That might sound like an impossible to-do-list for just this weekend (!), so how about picking just one for today and seeing how your life and happiness expands when you focus on it.

With immense gratitude to all the people who have helped me get this far, and immense gratitude for this wonderful life I get to live.

Harriet