The patriarchy hurts men too

Why Breaking Down Gender Stereotypes Is Beneficial To All Genders

I wrote recently about how stereotypes for women hold us back in the workplace. As someone who is passionate about making workplaces and the world better for women, how the current system of patriarchy also hurts men is an equally important topic.

Yes men get paid more, get given more leadership roles, are seen as the default while women are ‘other’... but it’s not all a bed of roses. Having to appear tough, strong and confident, to be natural leaders or be derided as weak, incompetent and unattractive, adds immense pressure. Not being allowed to ask for help or admit you don’t know, nor permitted to talk about your feelings or admit you even have them, is damaging.

It is still assumed that men do far less caring and parenting, because they don’t want to, aren’t as good at it as women or are better put to use earning money aka ‘proper work.’ But this simply isn't true: men aren't happy to have less quality time, enjoyment and responsibility for caring. The greatest deathbed regrets are around not spending enough time with those that matter the most to us, afterall. If we want men to be more caring in general, we mustn’t deny them the opportunity to care.

Toughing it out when not feeling physically well rather than seeking medical help is unhelpful; later diagnosis can negatively affect prognosis. US based research revealed that during the pandemic men were apparently less likely to wear masks if they felt peer pressure to resist, putting them at far greater risk of a serious illness in the name of not being seen as weak.

Gender Stereotypes Create Impossible Standards

If fitting in and being respected as a man means being tough, strong, decisive, unemotional, competitive, distant from your family, ambitious and a natural leader and so on, it’s an impossible standard to measure up to, plus unappealing and daunting. Research on the impact of toxic perfectionism includes anecdotal evidence about the impossible ideal young men feel they have to live up contributing to suicide attempts. Not being able to talk about your emotions feeds into this.

This ideal for men also creates a career disadvantage around most desirable leadership traits of the future, which include vulnerability, empathy and collaboration; this leaves men striving in the wrong direction, and becoming something that later holds them back.

This kind of ideal also ignores individuality, our humanity and the benefit to society of a range of values and personalities. I’d love to see gender stereotyping disappear and each person able to be, and celebrated for, who they really are far beyond this simple distinction.

How would the culture in your workplace be enhanced by stereotypes no longer being reinforced? How might respect, inclusion, wellbeing, collaboration and success rise? How are stereotypes being reinforced through language and performance reviews?

Book a conversation with me to find out how dismantling stereotypes could enhance allyship in your organisation.

Before you lead others, lead yourself: The important of self-leadership

“Exceptional leaders distinguish themselves because of superior self-leadership.” Daniel Goleman, ‘Emotional Intelligence’

What is self-leadership? 

It is far more complex and nuanced than being ‘in control.’ Think of self-leadership more about being in the driving seat of our own lives: owning our own thoughts, feelings and actions, plus being in charge of our own direction of travel. 

Self-leadership is about how we observe and manage ourselves; how we compassionately and deliberately reflect and evolve. It is about how we prioritise taking care of ourselves, how self-aware we are, and the extent to which our behaviour is consistently congruent with our values. 

Good self-leadership is incompatible with playing the victim or being a people pleaser. It also means rejecting perfectionism and other forms of self-sabotage. How we handle disappointment, failure and challenges with honesty and compassion, and without self-rejection, catastrophising or blame shifting are all part of self-leadership. 

It includes taking responsibility for doing the own inner work necessary to move past childhood or other issues, so that the past does not impact how we show up in the present in our relationships and working life. This means investing time, energy and emotional capacity in to therapy and/or coaching.

Another aspect of self-leadership is all thing to do with self-validation and self-worth, inner stability and self-trust. Knowing your value, and fostering the skills to handle your inner world even when thing get sticky and curve balls hit, means feeling calm and confident in your ability to cope no matter what. In this way, self-leadership is a core pillar to our resilience and adaptability.

It also means taking responsibility for how we spend our time and energy, how we balance our lives, who we spend time with, the media we consume and so on. 

The Value of Self-Leadership for Leaders

The most effective leaders walk their talk. They do not ask of others what they are not doing themselves. Self-leadership brings self-respect, and this is an important component of being able to command the respect of others too, as well as role modelling to everyone around you many excellent, desirable personal traits. 

One of these is trust, which is such an important trait for effective leaders to foster with everyone around them. Our people need to trust us to work calmly and effectively, to buy into the vision we ask them to contribute towards: with trust comes results, good culture and team spirit. If we cannot trust ourselves, how will others trust us? Self-leadership equals self-trust. 

Strong self-leadership inspires, informs and empowers others around us to lead themselves too. If we assume that a good leader is empowering others to succeed rather than instructing and micromanaging, it ties in with wanting their team to be independent, responsible, self-aware and growing too. 

A rising tide lifts all boats, and who wouldn’t want their leaders to have excellent self-leadership skills, in order for this to lift everyone around them and below them.

Developing Your Self-Leadership Skills

Balanced self-awareness is the first vital step in developing your self-leadership skills. Compassionate self-appraisal will take you far when you marry it with a growth mindset; be  willing and humble enough to take steps to grow in the areas where you notice that you would like to show up differently. 

The ability to ask for help and embrace the value of others on our journey can be a vital, courageous step that accelerates your self-leadership too.  It could be from colleagues, family and friends for a 360 view. It could be working with a coach, therapist or mentor to support you to move beyond limiting patterns of feelings, thoughts or behaviour. 

Great self-leadership happens deliberately when you choose it and move towards it, and I invite you to do that right away!

How can I help you with this? 

Are you an ambitious woman who would love to see a radical shift in their confidence and leadership over the next 3 months and are ready to take action? And you are ready to step into a whole new level of self-leadership, respect and success, book a complimentary call consultation on this link: https://harrietwaleycohen.as.me/schedule.php

Imposter Syndrome: Busting Myths

Dispelling 3 unhelpful myths for women about imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome is that horrible feeling that despite all the success you've achieved and the life that you have, that you don't deserve it, that you're a fraud, and at any moment you might get found out and lose everything.

Having supported thousands of women over the last 20 years to believe in themselves and their potential, imposter syndrome is definitely a 'thing' and not just a made-up problem. Research backs this up, indicating that highfliers as well as those from ethnic or religious minorities are more likely to suffer from it, as well as women being more likely to experience feeling like an imposter than men.

One of the biggest myth that I come across is the idea that it's only women that get it and men don't. This is categorically untrue! Men do struggle at times with this too. However, men are much less likely to talk about it, to own up to feeling this way, or to seek help for it. A while back I posted on Facebook asking for men only to share their stories of feeling like an imposter and the response was huge. Many men shared that they had felt like an imposter in the workplace, and when dating, and that with talking about their 'feelings' being out of their comfort zone in general, that they felt they had to keep quiet about it. Fear of being judged negatively is a big barrier in speaking up for men even more than for women, and the impact this might have on how others view them.

The second myth I want to dispel is that it is purely a mindset issue. 'Stop thinking those negative thoughts, think positively about yourself, just stop feeling this way and be confident'. Firstly, mindset shifts aren't always quite that simple. And secondly, this places all the blame on the individual and ignores all cultural and systemic factors. A raft of factors from the gender pay gap, to the overwhelming bias to women's negative feedback on communication style vs men, negative gender stereotypes, power structures in corporates and politically, the media, diet culture and so on, are all stacked against women from the outset. The efforts to make change have to stop being hyper fixated on fixing women and elevate above this to the bigger picture.

Both Laura Bate's excellent book 'Fix the system, not the women' and the workshop I give called 'Women & The Self-Worth Crisis: a call to action' go into all of the cultural and systemic factors in detail, highlighting where the real change is needed.

The third myth that needs to be cut loose is the idea that imposter syndrome is actually a good thing because it makes sure people don't get too big for their boots (oppressive misogyny, anyone?), and keeps you working really hard to prove yourself. Who does this actually benefit? Not the individual, that's for sure. The individual takes on too much, never says no, puts their own needs on the back burner in a desperate attempt to perform their way to approval and validation. Even if they achieve these things, they still don't feel any better on the inside and can end up unwell or burnt out. Plus, they do not win respect from others, they are seen as an eager to please doormat to be walked all over. No one wins apart from the profit-making machine...

How has this shifted your thinking on imposter syndrome? Comment below.

Next steps: To book a powerfully transformative coaching program to support you with your confidence or having me speak at your organisation:  https://bit.ly/HWCconsultation