We need to talk about p*rn and allyship. Can men really be allies in the workplace if they watch p*rn privately?

We need to talk about p*rn. 

Yes, p*rn. 

We cannot talk about DEI, allyship and all of that good stuff without talking about p*rnography, the sex industry and the huge impact it has on how women are viewed and treated, even subconsciously. It has a well researched negative impact, increasing feelings of misogyny for those who view porn regularly, and contributes hugely to the objectification or dehumanising of women, and how women are viewed as worth less than men, and only valued for their looks. 

Of course this spills over into the workplace, how could it not??? Yet I don't hear people talking about how secret p*rn habits are holding back workplace DEI efforts or people's ability to be genuine allies. And we need to. 

Today, the Children's Commissioner Dame Rachel de Souza released a report into the impact p*rnography has for children on their body image, relationships and self-esteem, as well as highlighting children's exposure to p*rn. 

No prizes for guessing that it has a damaging impact, with an rising percentage of boys expecting girls to enjoy and want violence as part of intimacy because it's so normal in p*rn. They don't check with girls that this is true before they try it out on them, and girls are being strangled, beaten and more in a misguided attempt to turn them on as boys emulate.

79% of young people have seen violent p*rn before the age of 18, (degrading behaviour, coercion or pain-inducing acts), and the report highlights that frequent viewers of porn are more likely to engage in these kinds of acts themselves. 

Andrew Tate's misogynystic version of masculinity is insanely popular; his videos have been viewed 11.6bn times on tiktok alone, the equivalent of every man globally seeing his content 4 times. Misogyny and objectifying women is popular. 

The vast majority of p*rn shows women in a dehumanising and negative light. Objects to be used and abused. Objects to be ridiculed, humiliated and looked down on. The degradation of women is the main product of the p*rn industry, and it is highly linked to human trafficking. The demand for p*rn fuels trafficking of women and children. 

It isn't possible that anyone who consumes p*rn, is a true ally to women and views women as equal to them, as people of value and people worth listening to. In p*rn the women are genuinely being violated, hurt and abused, it's not acting, what you see on screen is what is actually happening to the women. 

Watching p*rn for 'entertainment' privately, then pretending to be an ally to women at work, is incongruent at best, and certainly deluded.

It's not an easy conversation, but it's one that needs airing. I would like to see all people, especially men, that consider themselves genuine allies to women, denounce all pornography and the sex industry, and call out their friends who consume it. Let's create social pressure to make p*rn as socially unacceptable as domestic violence. 

The Trap of Toxic Perfectionism

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be perfect, to have the perfect life? For some, this is the ultimate destination, where happiness, fulfilment, health, confidence, validation and success are the juicy rewards. Sounds great doesn’t it! 

Except perfectionism is actually making us sick. Unless you’re a heart surgeon or an accountant, it’s not propelling anyone towards greatness.

Perfectionism has been studied by psychologists looking at 40,000 young people in the US, Canada and the UK over 27 years. An 11% rise in perfectionism was found. The extent to which people attached an irrational importance to perfectionism had risen 10% and worryingly, a 33% rise was seen in the extent to which people felt they needed to show themselves as perfect to receive validation. 

There is a positive association between perfectionism and anxiety, depression and eating disorders, all of which have risen accordingly, and on the physical side it’s associated with issues such as elevated blood pressure.  There is also anecdotal evidence that perfectionism is one of the reasons for suicide attempts, particularly for young men. Of course, this is hard to measure and incredibly tragic. 

Ultimately, this is not the kind of perfectionism that drives people to greater sense of satisfaction and happiness. This is perfectionism that is absolutely toxic for self-esteem, self-worth, mental and physical health. If the numbers are extrapolated into the future, the prospects are extremely worrying. 

Toxic Perfectionism’s Main Causes: An Axis of Evil 

The research highlights three main causes:

•      Compare and despair culture stemming from media and social media. This is about comparing your insides to other people’s projected, marketed, edited and filtered outsides, and deciding that you come up short. 

•      Capitalist culture where material gain, image, is king and the ultimate goals to aim for. Never mind your character or contribution to society, your worth as  a person is judged by how impressive your job title, salary, house, car or handbag is. 

•      The way that and frequency with which young people are tested and measured as they grow up, and the perceived impact that the results could have on their outcomes and success for the rest of their lives. Being measured and encouraged to constantly do better is also prominent feature of life in the corporate world with annual appraisals, quarterly targets, monthly goals and the like. It’s rarely the case the you are patted on the back and told how well you are doing and to keep doing what you’re doing, there is always the question of ‘where next’ and what new dizzy heights of achievement you might push to next and which new skills you plan to acquire. 

Having given well over 20 talks on this topic to a variety or corporate and personal development audiences, there is another trigger too for always striving for more and feeling as though you aren’t good enough unless you are perfect. And that is family pressure. Parents and grandparents who want their children to be huge successes can be enormous sources of pressure to study more, achieve more, earn more and so on. When this pressure is a feature of home life, and then reiterated at school/work and in the media, is it any wonder that people assume that they must keep pushing themselves to be better?

And if you’re pushing yourself to be better, there has to be an underlying assumption that you as you are right now, simply aren’t good enough. Striving for perfection can be seen as the only way to fix this, except the perfectionist solution you try to implement is stealing your self-esteem whilst feeding your inner critic at the same time. This is definitely a game that it is impossible to win. 

Here’s something I know to be true. Trying to fix what feels wrong on the inside with external achievements doesn’t work. Feelings of powerlessness about your ability to be good enough and receive enough validation take hold, providing rich fertiliser for mental health issues and destructive habits to numb how you feel about yourself and your life. Drinking, emotional eating, endless scrolling and shopping are just a few of the habits that are easy to lean on to escape how you feel. 

How to break free from toxic perfectionism

Stepping away from the toxic perfectionist trap is something you change from the inside out, not from the outside in. It is a journey from fear and harsh self-judgment to love, truth and kindness, from ego to heart. It can include a switch around in your internal values system too, where rejecting some of what you’ve assumed to be true about what success ‘should’ look might need to happen. After all, if success comes at the expense of your health and happiness, is it really success?  I don’t think so, and the last year has highlighted the importance of health as a pre-cursor to success and being able to get things done in a way that many have never experienced before.

First, acknowledge the destructive cycle and accept the idea that external achievement is not part of the solution. Now filter external influences and change your attitude to them. It might mean unfollowing a bunch of people on social media, no longer reading fashion magazines, or not giving so much airtime or importance to the opinions of certain people in your life. 

Next, a shift in behavior is required where creating self-trust and self-esteem through meeting your needs and self-validation becomes number one priority. These needs will be partly physical - dietary, sleep, movement et al. They will also be emotionally and spiritually related, including the need to do things for the sheer joy of it, standing up for what you need in your relationships and what’s important for you, plus following a career that is truly fulfilling rather than for status and validation. 

You cannot think your way to a new way of acting and feeling about yourself, you can’t think your way to a new way of treating yourself. Instead, you act first, and the thinking and feeling follows. To feel truly good about yourself, you must treat yourself as if you already have great worth, and as if what your body and heart desire is of the utmost importance. By showing yourself through a shift in behavior, your feelings and thinking follow. Energy has to flow towards self-care and self-validation, rather than the external.

Lastly, focusing on progress and the reality of achievements, rather than the failure to be perfect, works as a powerful perspective shifter of your worth. Plus it’s about how so called failures are interpreted; as a disaster that mean something detrimental to your worth, or as learning opportunities that are the bedrock of your life experience and wisdom. Essentially, this is about celebrating progress and learning, not berating yourself for failing to reach perfection. 

You are already enough, I promise. The sooner you cut the ties between what you look like, achieve or own and your self-worth, the happier and healthier you will be. Interestingly, that then means you will most likely be more successful! 

Next steps 

To book an exploratory to discuss Harriet giving a talk on ‘Breaking Free from Toxic Perfectionism: Create Success With Wellbeing’ at your organisation, email help@harrietwaleycohen.com

To supercharge your ability to conquer your inner world so that you can have anything you want, you will love Harriet’s entry level, easy to implement DIY emotional wellbeing bundle, Calm, Centred and In Control: https://bit.ly/CCCbundle