Recently, I delivered a one day training on the psychology of victim blaming of women and girls subjected to male violence. It is a powerful day sharing evidence based theory designed to create shifts through critical thinking. 

While it didn't come as any surprise to see the Daily Mail put out an irresponsible headline about the murder of Emma and Lettie Pattison, it is blatant victim blaming. The insinuation is that her career and success was the reason he felt angry enough to murder them. 'Women! Don't be too successful or it might get you killed!'

I also saw a police officer over the weekend commenting on Twitter that Sarah Everard should have got a taxi home instead of walking the night she was murdered, as if it was her decision that was the cause of her murder. In another headline, a man who had murdered his wife got a light sentence because he said she had been 'nagging him' - which is misogynistic language to start with - let alone the idea that if a man is in any way criticised he then deserves a lighter sentence if his response to the criticism is to violently end the life of the woman criticising him. 

It is never the woman's fault. What we wear, where we walk, whether we get taxis or not (taxi drivers are sometimes rapists and murderers too), what we say, deciding to leave a relationship that isn't going well - none of these are the cause of violence against women. 

A perpetrator deciding to commit a criminal act is the sole cause. 
This kind of victim blaming language not only diverts attention from the real cause of the violence and excuses the perpetrator, it also undermines women's confidence and keeps us questioning ourselves and the reality of the situation. 

How might victim blaming play out in a less overt way in the workplace? 

Imagine a woman complains of sexual harassment and she is blamed for wearing a short skirt or because she is generally attractive: what kind of impact will that have on her confidence and sense of safety at work? How will this impact the culture and how other women feel in that workplace? How emboldened might the other men feel to behave inappropriately if they can blame a tight dress? . 

How about when a woman doesn't get a promotion and a man does who is less experienced, and she's told it's because of her communication style. Her communication style is direct and assertive, but is perceived negatively because of unconscious bias about how women 'should' communicate: she is seen as bossy or aggressive. Data shows that less than 5% of men receive negative feedback in formal appraisals about their communication, whereas around two thirds of women do. 

We have to stop blaming women for inequality and making it women's sole responsibility to fix it. We need to look at the bigger picture, at patterns and the lens of stereotyping that informs people's perception of women vs men. Victim blaming has to stop, on every level.